Rules For Living After Divorce

My client, I’ll call her Jen, asked me to write about this topic on my blog. In fact, I am using her exact words for the title of this post. She is discovering a new way of life after her recent divorce and wanted me to share that with others out there.

Jen like most people in a bad marriage, knew for a while that it was time to end it. However, because of the kids she was hesitant to make a move, until she couldn’t live like that anymore. They ended up getting a divorce and everyone survived. Amazingly, everyone is ok. In fact, according to Jen, things couldn’t have been better. He is nicer to the kids and the kids have adjusted well and look forward to one-on-one time with either one of them. Now, he has to spend time with them and he is more involved in their lives. Even Jen’s relationship with him has improved, they are more respectful of each other and communicate better. So, why is this atypical, or is it?

Jen and I both have met incredibly bitter divorced individuals who spare no venom when they talk about their ex’s. Jen was nervous going through her divorce, because of all the stories she had heard. In fact, sometimes, she is anticipating it to change for her and her ex too. She is concerned that this might be a “honeymoon” phase in their divorce. Many of her friends who have been divorced, tell her that this will not last and that she’ll never meet anyone else, etc.

Now, I could go on and on analyzing her case with details, but I won’t. The big picture of every consensual divorce has to do with two people who agree that it is best for them to not be married to each other anymore, regardless of the circumstances that lead them there. I am discussing a divorce that is truly consensual to the core. Of course, no one goes into marriage thinking they are going to get a divorce, but in some cases, no matter how hard we try, things just don’t seem to work, and for our own sanity we have to end the struggle. But both people in the marriage have to agree that this is the best outcome given their circumstances. If one is hanging on to an illusion of the past, is regretful, angry, or full of blame for their spouse, then the successful divorce cannot be.

So, consensus is at the heart of a successful divorce. The next piece I believe has to do with something much bigger, and that is changing the belief about divorce, or as Jen puts it, the rules of life after divorce. Divorce is just an example here, any transition that is perceived by mass consciousness as negative, can me made so, even if it is not in reality. Another example might be, getting fired from your job. Terrible? Or is it? How many stories have we heard of people who turned their lives around and succeeded at a much better job after they lost their current job? But at the moment that it happened, I am sure that the person going through it and everyone around them, thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. Life can be hell, if we judge it to be so. And we all do, in fact, as Jen has found out, even if we try not to, mass consciousness will pull us into believing that it is so. If we are new in this business of consciously creating our own reality, we might fall for the well-established belief systems and structures that we live in.

What are the rules of life after divorce? Well, they could be anything you want them to be, if you are courageous and trusting of who you are and your creator abilities. You can have a better life, a better relationship with your ex and your children, a better sense of who you are and what you want, an opportunity to create a fantastic relationship with someone who matches you at this point in time, etc. Or it could be really horrible, both the process and the aftermath, and even the future for ever and ever, just as promised by mass consciousness.

Transitions, especially difficult ones can be the point of separation from who you used to be, to who you want to be. It is a matter of choice, courage, and trust. Once again, these are simple concepts, yet difficult to practice. The difficulty has to do with the lack of support of those around you who are still buying in, into mass consciousness. With the appropriate facilitation and support, anyone can live a grand, life of their dreams. With that, I’d like to thank Jen for sharing an overview of her divorce experience, and wish her a very successful life!

Manifesting New Thinking

I keep on hearing that what we need in Washington is “new thinking”. Yet we keep on going to people with lots of experience or “old thinking” to come up with “new thinking”. This would make sense if the people with lots of experience are willing to put aside their old experience and be creative and think in a new way. Somehow this sounds like a difficult task. If you have years of experience doing something a certain way and got the results you wanted and it worked for you, why would you start doing things differently? One reason might be, that the old ways just don’t work anymore. It’s not about right or wrong, it just means that what used to work does not anymore. This is a very difficult concept for most people to grasp. This is at the heart of all transitions.

What makes this one enormously challenging is that it is happening collectively and it is hitting us at our beliefs about survival. If I don’t have a job, I can’t pay my bills, I’ll lose my house, I’ll end up on the streets, and so on and so forth. Many of us don’t trust our employers, our banks, our government, etc. This gives us much reason for going into panic and chaos. Now multiply that by all the people who feel this to some extent or another and spread it all around the globe. Oh, and don’t forget all the previous insecurities in our lives that haven’t vanished, they are sleeping in the underbelly of the beast. I agree, it is a mess and very difficult not to get sucked into.

Going back to this whole concept of "new thinking", as challenging as it may sound, it is our only option. In other words, the bad news is that the world is falling apart. But the good news is, that we now have the opportunity to create something brand new! Yes, it means taking risks, and stepping way out of our comfort zones and even doing or being ways that we may have judged as crazy and illogical in the past. We need to let the past go with as much dignity as we can muster up and let our creative genius take over to come up with new, boldly outrageous, and even crazy solutions. This is not for the faint at heart, or those who crave the comfort and security of building structures and making rules. This is for the wildly adventurous who want to live life like it has never been lived before. This is not for those who want guarantees and safety nets, it is for those who are so filled with life that they do not need anything else to help them fly or promise them safety if they fall.

Manifesting Force or Flow?

I just ended an amazing coaching session where I discovered together with my client about how powerful or empowered we feel when we are in the flow of life. You’d think it would be the other way around, if we forced it and made things happen, then, we’d feel powerful. That I think is the old way of being powerful. The most fragile things in life are the most powerful. A perfect rose, a small puppy, the fragrance or aroma of something we love (e.g. chocolate, freshly brewed coffee or bread baking in the oven), etc. And they are the most powerful, when they catch us off guard. Just when you think your life is too busy and complicated to take care of a dog, you see that cute little puppy who just tugs at your heart and melts away all of those “buts”.

In fact, I think that when we plan for something and work really hard for it, it loses its power. If we actually enjoyed the journey towards achieving it, then we’d come out empowered. But if we struggled and all we remember is the pain and suffering and deprivation we endured to get that morsel of whatever it was we wanted, then we are indeed powerless and perhaps even defeated at the end. It is time to change that old belief: no pain, no gain, unless we want to gain scars and victory trophies. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle and I know that for some people this is considered blasphemy. Especially now, in these uncertain times, it is even considered insensitive to be joyful and happy. This indeed is the time that people need it the most, yet we deprive them of the gift of our own happiness. We claim it is because we want to be respectful. I am not saying to rub your happiness in people’s faces, but joy is contagious. It is ok to be truly happy and shine your happiness on to others. Those who don’t like you, won’t like you anyway, and those who do will be grateful that you helped lift them up.

If your life is working, don’t question it, don’t explain or analyze it. Just accept it and go with it. If some silly belief, like I have to be miserable to be respectful gets in the way of your flow, then just go around it. Go with the flow, so you can feel empowered. You being there for your friends and family from an empowered place will help lift them up and it will be contagious. So often we get in our own way, or we let the expert on TV tell us what to feel or do, how long will it take, and what to expect. How crazy! We constantly minimize ourselves and our experiences. We allow ourselves to be boxed into case studies and analyzed to death. We dis-empower ourselves and construct lives that make no sense. Then we hit a crisis, and all of that construction comes tumbling down and we wonder what went wrong. What went wrong is that we forgot about the flow of life, we let something get in our way and we started paddling up stream. Somehow we got it in our head, that that was the way to do it. We had to work hard and struggle to achieve our goals. And as long as this belief in any shape or form is alive in our consciousness, it will hold us in the path of force and won’t allow us to go with the flow.

I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day! Love yourself first and then go with the flow, you and everyone else in your life will love you even more…