Thursday, February 26, 2009

Rules For Living After Divorce

My client, I’ll call her Jen, asked me to write about this topic on my blog. In fact, I am using her exact words for the title of this post. She is discovering a new way of life after her recent divorce and wanted me to share that with others out there.

Jen like most people in a bad marriage, knew for a while that it was time to end it. However, because of the kids she was hesitant to make a move, until she couldn’t live like that anymore. They ended up getting a divorce and everyone survived. Amazingly, everyone is ok. In fact, according to Jen, things couldn’t have been better. He is nicer to the kids and the kids have adjusted well and look forward to one-on-one time with either one of them. Now, he has to spend time with them and he is more involved in their lives. Even Jen’s relationship with him has improved, they are more respectful of each other and communicate better. So, why is this atypical, or is it?

Jen and I both have met incredibly bitter divorced individuals who spare no venom when they talk about their ex’s. Jen was nervous going through her divorce, because of all the stories she had heard. In fact, sometimes, she is anticipating it to change for her and her ex too. She is concerned that this might be a “honeymoon” phase in their divorce. Many of her friends who have been divorced, tell her that this will not last and that she’ll never meet anyone else, etc.

Now, I could go on and on analyzing her case with details, but I won’t. The big picture of every consensual divorce has to do with two people who agree that it is best for them to not be married to each other anymore, regardless of the circumstances that lead them there. I am discussing a divorce that is truly consensual to the core. Of course, no one goes into marriage thinking they are going to get a divorce, but in some cases, no matter how hard we try, things just don’t seem to work, and for our own sanity we have to end the struggle. But both people in the marriage have to agree that this is the best outcome given their circumstances. If one is hanging on to an illusion of the past, is regretful, angry, or full of blame for their spouse, then the successful divorce cannot be.

So, consensus is at the heart of a successful divorce. The next piece I believe has to do with something much bigger, and that is changing the belief about divorce, or as Jen puts it, the rules of life after divorce. Divorce is just an example here, any transition that is perceived by mass consciousness as negative, can me made so, even if it is not in reality. Another example might be, getting fired from your job. Terrible? Or is it? How many stories have we heard of people who turned their lives around and succeeded at a much better job after they lost their current job? But at the moment that it happened, I am sure that the person going through it and everyone around them, thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. Life can be hell, if we judge it to be so. And we all do, in fact, as Jen has found out, even if we try not to, mass consciousness will pull us into believing that it is so. If we are new in this business of consciously creating our own reality, we might fall for the well-established belief systems and structures that we live in.

What are the rules of life after divorce? Well, they could be anything you want them to be, if you are courageous and trusting of who you are and your creator abilities. You can have a better life, a better relationship with your ex and your children, a better sense of who you are and what you want, an opportunity to create a fantastic relationship with someone who matches you at this point in time, etc. Or it could be really horrible, both the process and the aftermath, and even the future for ever and ever, just as promised by mass consciousness.

Transitions, especially difficult ones can be the point of separation from who you used to be, to who you want to be. It is a matter of choice, courage, and trust. Once again, these are simple concepts, yet difficult to practice. The difficulty has to do with the lack of support of those around you who are still buying in, into mass consciousness. With the appropriate facilitation and support, anyone can live a grand, life of their dreams. With that, I’d like to thank Jen for sharing an overview of her divorce experience, and wish her a very successful life!

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