Monday, March 28, 2011


No one seems to consciously want to end anything except maybe in the case of a divorce.  But even with that, many people still hang on to the belief of an ideal marriage or relationship.  In the William Bridges transition model, he states that every transition starts with an ending.  It is how we deal with or acknowledge the ending that determines the ease and success of our transition.  People don’t want to focus on endings.  No one does, but it is a truth that is unavoidable.  In order to begin again, one must end something that was going on before.  More important, one must acknowledge the ending emotionally.  It is like the pause before the next breath.  If we continue jumping from one beginning to another, like a child in a room full of toys, we are distracted, incomplete and ultimately, dissatisfied, not to mention, fragile and sensitive to breakdowns as a result of not processing our emotions regarding the endings.

Unfortunately, the culture we live in and most likely work in, won’t allow for acknowledging endings.  It is perhaps looked upon as a sign of weakness to get teary eyed about something that is no more, a boss that was fired, a child that has left home, a marriage that has ended, etc.  Yes, life goes on and we must pick up the pieces, but before moving ahead, we need to address our loss and what has ended.  Some people talk to counselors or therapists.  Some write in their journals.  Some talk about it to friends and co-workers.  However you do it, make sure you are dealing with it.  It might take longer than you think.  It will take as long as it does and what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Sometimes, you may revisit old feelings of loss years later after the event.  It is all natural, so don’t fight it, judge it, or push it away.  Just sit with it and nurture and accept yourself for what you are feeling.

Endings come in different forms.  It could be a very internal ending like the ending of the way you feel about someone.  Feelings evolve and it is natural to no longer feel what you used to feel.  Change is a very real and constant fact of life and the more comfortable we are with understanding our own needs when going through a major change, the easier the transition will be. 

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What is the major transition you are going through right now?
2)    What are the range of feelings you are experiencing?  How are you handling them?
3)    Who is helping you go through your transition?  

If you are going through a major life or work transition and are confused, angry, or sad, it might be a good time to contact a life transition coach who can help you gain clarity on what is going on and how to make it through your transition gracefully and confidently.  Change happens all the time, you can learn how to handle it fearlessly.  Please contact me for a complimentary session to decide if coaching is the right process for you.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Gifts of Not Fitting In

As the mother of an 11 year old girl, I am aware of the angst about who is popular and who isn’t, what clothes are in, how your hair should be straightened like everyone else’s, what shoes to wear, etc.  These thoughts grow with us as we grow.  Fitting in and being accepted by a “majority” or an arbitrary norm is what many people struggle with.
As adults we go with the flow of life unaware that many of our decisions are based on being accepted by others, fitting in with colleagues or superiors at work.  Just like children in the playground we become aware of who has the most toys and might be someone good to hang out with. 

In fact, trying to fit in is what we all do.  From the cars we drive, the neighborhoods we live in, the electronic devices we use, to the clothes we wear, the places we vacation in, etc.  It’s all about being influenced by something we heard on TV, the internet, a friend, family, etc.  Our choices are limited by mass consciousness. 

It is all fine, until something goes wrong.  With all of our due diligence inevitably, something will happen: a parent will die, a diagnosis will come in, a job will be lost, etc.  and we frantically run around sometimes in circles trying to find an answer.  Those of us who believe we have always fit in find this extremely difficult.  How could this have happened?  Faced with our own raw emotions, we no longer fit in and shock ourselves as well as those around us by our reaction to what has happened.

On the other hand, those of us who are familiar with not belonging or fitting in, tend to handle these types of events more gracefully.  There are many gifts that not fitting in provides.  Here is my list of reasons to celebrate being different.

The gifts of not fitting in:
1)    Independence
2)    Free to think for yourself
3)    Free to do what you want
4)    Not mentally busy with trying to please or be accepted so you can live your life by your own rules
5)    Compassion for others who do not fit in
6)    A strong leader, not easily influenced
7)    Better able to detect those who try to influence you/not easily gullible
8)    Concerned with being fair
9)    Loyalty towards meaningful relationships
10)    Flexible toward different points of view

Questions to ponder:

1)  What are your top three influencers (people or trends that influence you)? 
2)  Are you ok with these influences?
3)  Who would you be without them?

If you would like to further explore the path to true freedom where you make your own choices free from mass consciousness, you may want to consider working with a spiritual life coachSpiritual coaching is about freeing yourself from out dated beliefs and influences so you can live with true conscious choice.  Contact me for a complimentary consultation to decide if this is something you'd like to have in your life.