Spiritual Coaching I

As a spiritual life coach, I belong to a few groups on LinkedIn and the recent discussions have been around spiritual coaching and core competencies.  I am excited by the fact that we are openly and courageously bringing the word “spiritual” into serious coaching conversations and deeper yet, trying to define the core competencies that would be related to it.

Today, I’d like to write about “coaching presence” or the first coaching competency as defined by the ICF (International Coach Federation): sees many ways to work with the client, and chooses in the moment what is most effective.

When I work with my clients who happen to be professional women in the corporate world, the word spiritual is not something that I loosely throw around.  I am careful with my words, extremely careful, and so, I usually don’t use words that my clients are either not familiar with or might be uncomfortable around.  I believe, that if I have to define it, it is probably not worth using.  I rarely use the word spiritual and yet, I consider most of the work I do to be spiritual.  It is spiritual because it is not about the words, the mind, or the emotions that are the result of an over worked mind. 

I always assess where the client is at the moment, not yesterday, last session, or where I hope they are based on what they said last time.  The coach has to be present and in the now for coaching to work.  In order to facilitate the coaching presence, the coach has to be present in the now moment.  This is a spiritual concept, because in order to truly be in the now, you have to let go of what happened, your judgments, your hopes, your analyses, the notes you took from last time, your ego, what you want to accomplish, your need to feel important … 

You have to let go of it all, in order to be present.  You have to be an empty vessel for the client to feel confident with you to empty her vessel.  During the client’s emptying is when learning happens.  In those sacred moments all that is there, is an empty space. 

That is coaching presence as I practice and understand it to be, and this is a spiritual exchange or connection.  Stripped from our egos, minds, thoughts, judgments, analyses, other people’s words, fears, beliefs, we are free to recognize what we already know.

So, yes, the core competency of coaching presence is indeed addressed during an effective spiritual life coaching session.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    How present are you on average? 
2)    Can you relate your “presence” to your level of satisfaction with life?

If you are interested in spiritual life coaching, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session.
 

Disconnect

It was one of those mornings.  I needed to get to my e-mails and was having an internet connectivity problem.   After sitting through the robotic instructions of my internet provider’s automated service, I was told to turn my computer off, reset the modem and disconnect the wireless router.  Then I was told to wait for at least 20 seconds before re-connecting and turning everything back on.  The pleasant, yet robotic voice then graciously said goodbye and asked me to call back if I still had problems with my internet connection.
 
Since I had done all the things she had suggested before I called in, but not all of it together and I had not waited for at least 20 seconds, I decided to wait longer than that with everything shut down and disconnected.

I then decided to disconnect myself.  I went outside and sat on my patio steps and took a few deep breaths.  It felt really good, not having anything to do.  I even stopped thinking and was able to shut off the rambling voices and disjointed thoughts and images in my head.  I started focusing on my breathing, listening to the birds and felt the breeze against my skin.  It felt wonderful.  I was beginning to feel rejuvenated.

I realized how busy I had been for the past two months.  Summer gets that way.   The days are broken up: I have a tight coaching schedule, and a book that is being edited and needs to be published, there never seems to be enough time to just sit and breathe.  I know for me and probably everyone else out there, conscious breathing while doing nothing is not what we allow ourselves to do on a regular basis.

I am not talking about meditating, or sleeping.  We all walk away from our computers and when we sleep at night, the computer is shut down and sleeps too.  Yet, it still needs to be disconnected.  We too need to be disconnected from time to time.  I knew the benefits of disconnecting for me, but I didn’t realize how just like the computer, if I don’t disconnect regularly, I might stop functioning.  I stayed with that thought and gave myself full permission to sit outside just a bit longer. 

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What does it mean to you to be disconnected and do you do it voluntarily?
2)    What are the benefits of disconnecting to you?

If you would like to work on disconnecting and learning how to be more effective when connected, you may want to work with a spiritual life coach.  Spiritual life coaching can teach you tools and skills that you can consistently use as needed.  If you would like to work with me, but are not sure, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation.

What's Polluting You?

It’s not noon yet and I feel like a land fill already.  I started out fresh and my morning meditation cleared the slate for a brand new day.  What happened between then and now?

Life happened I guess.  The regular wears and tears of living just got to me.  Actually, they didn’t really get to me, I just happened to notice them today.

Here is a list of my pollutants du jour (so far):
1. News of yet another sex scandal on TV
2. Bottle caps and plastic bottles on my walking trail
3. The garbage truck’s noise
4. My daughter’s emotional meltdown about something ridiculous
5. Beating myself up over not working out this morning
6. Thoughts about the appointment I have later on that I don’t want to keep
7. E-mails that I can’t keep up with
8. Feeling like there is something important I’ve forgotten to do (and it’s not the work out)
9. Annoyed at the over whelming fragrance of the bug spray I sprayed on myself before going out for my walk
10. Thoughts of what to make for dinner tonight

Once you stop and become mindful of all the pollutants in your life, it can get scary.  If it does not scare you, it can certainly stress you or cause a certain degree of anxiety, so that by 5 PM after a good day’s work, you are ready to unleash at the first guy who cuts you off in rush hour traffic.  And it hasn’t even been a really bad day.

A client once asked me, “So what do I do with all of the pollutants?”  Some of them may need to be taken care of, but most are just a byproduct of life.  In fact, sometimes when we over-analyze something, it becomes more of a problem.  Usually, it is just about noticing and letting go.  The noticing is important, because it makes you conscious and aware, so you can then take care of yourself.  When you know you are annoyed, It is your responsibility to take care of your condition.  The taking care of might just be about taking a few deep breaths, lightening up, and letting go.

The reason why we get so uptight is because we either want to take responsibility for what is not ours, we have already taken responsibility for what is not ours, or we want someone else to take responsibility for what is not theirs.  The pollutants in our life are here to remind us that we are not the handyman of the universe, armed with our tool belts ready to go into fix it mode at the drop of a hat.  We are certainly not the high school principal or prison guard watching and waiting for someone to go out of line, so we can correct them or put them in place either.

In fact, situations always somehow resolve themselves without our interference.  So, the next time you feel inclined to react to a pollutant, remember that it is just a pollutant, something that does not require much thought or emotional distress.  Living is about bumping into things and sometimes even falling down and breaking a few bones.

Don’t lose sight of what really matters when you are agitated or hurt by your bump.  It’s just a pesky bump.  It’s a reminder that you are alive and a human.

Questions to Ponder:
1) What are some of your pollutants?
2) How do you decide what is just a pollutant and what really needs your attention?
3) How do you recharge and clean your slate?

If you would like to learn how to manage your pollutants, you might want to work with a spiritual life coach.  Spiritual life coaching can teach you how to recharge, gain clarity, and stay peaceful when life is throwing all kinds of things at you.  If you are interested in a complimentary 30 minute life coaching consultation, please contact me.

Peace

She told me she wanted peace.  She was tired of the fighting, the drama, and the tears.  She was clear on what she did not want.  When asked if she wanted harmony, calm, or joy, she chose calm.  She couldn’t imagine harmony and joy because her life had been devoid of them for as long as she could remember.  Calm to her meant, absence of ups and downs.  In other words, she was choosing the middle ground.

That was then.

She has finally found the peace she was looking for.  When I asked her what it felt like, she explained that nothing had changed in her outer life.  The same situations showed up as often as before.  She wasn’t aroused or annoyed by them anymore.  She didn’t fall into her old coping mechanisms either.  She stayed in the moment without any expectations.  She didn’t know how each situation would end or how she herself would react.  She had no plans and just stayed with whatever was aggravating her.  Eventually, the aggravation would move on and in its place was peace.

This peace to her was more valuable than any certificate or award.  This peace brought a sense of deep wisdom that no one and nothing could take away.  When asked if it was the middle ground we had discussed earlier, she said, no.  It wasn’t the middle point.  It was the whole.  Her peace included the highs and the lows, and everything in between.  Her peace was all inclusive.  When she stopped labeling and categorizing, defending and attacking, justifying and rationalizing is when she found peace.  She got there without knowing she had gotten there.  There was no separation or exclusion.

Peace is about inclusion of all that is without labeling and judging.  She was at peace and I was honored to have shared her journey.

Questions to Ponder:
1) Are you longing for peace in your life?
2) Have you been struggling with the highs and lows and drama?
3) What does peace mean to you?

If you would like to experience peace more and more in your life, it might be time to consult a spiritual life coach.  Spiritual life coaching is about learning to let go of all that does not serve you anymore.  A coach can help you identify what is and isn’t serving you and the tools to learn to let go.  If you are interested in a complimentary 30 minute consultation, contact me.

Guilt

I’ve heard guilt brought up in a humorous manner in many conversations.  Some even treat it as a badge of honor, in other words, it is good if they feel guilty about something.  It somehow makes them a better person to feel a certain degree of shame.  In my experience, guilt is the most toxic and self-destructive of all the negative emotions.  The moment you start your self-talk with I should have, I could have, why didn’t I,… is the moment you find yourself at the beginning of a cycle of self-abuse that is hard to get out of.

Guilt feeds into self-hate or lack of self-love.  It feeds into lack of trust and confidence.  It is the primary tumor that feeds all the other negative emotions and spreads like a cancer into our body and sense of well-being.  Nothing good ever comes of guilt.

Guilt is an excellent weapon used by others to control us.  It is used by the religions of the world, politicians, parents, and other leaders.  We all use it to get what we want unaware of its contagious nature.

It was created as a toxic bi-product of strong belief systems like the one that has to do with what is right and what is wrong.  Guilt likes to hang out with righteousness and justice.  It is the cement that holds all feelings of piety in place.

Guilt can change forms.  Reversed, it also feeds into blame.  Guilty people tend to blame others easily.  If you can blame yourself for the wrongs of the world, it is easy to blame others too.

Once you let guilt in, it is hard to get rid of because it pushes all other belief systems.  The good news is, that it does push all other belief systems.  In fact, one way to look at it would be to notice when you feel guilty and decide what belief systems needs to be released.

Guilt can also be used to diagnose self-hate.  When you start beating yourself up about something you did or didn’t do, stop and notice how you dislike yourself.  Stay in the pain of that realization.  Stay in the denial of the realization.  Stay wherever you are, and then consciously choose what to do.   This is one way you can make friends with guilt.  Use it as an instrument to detect what needs to change.

Caution: Guilt has the ability to create more guilt somewhere else!  Please be careful and don’t use it for that purpose.

Questions To Ponder:
1) When do you feel guilty?
2) What does feeling guilty provide?
3) How do you manage your guilt?

If you are being eaten up by guilt you may want to work with a spiritual life coach and learn how to release guilt and outdated belief systems.  Contact me for a 30 minute complimentary session to discuss whether spiritual life coaching might help you create a more self-fulfilling and meaningful life.

Changing is Not Easy

The most unfamiliar and uncomfortable part of change is that in between place where you are not the person you were before but haven’t quite become the person you want to be.  This is the part where some people give up on the transition journey, become negative or get depressed. 

I hear a lot of: “darn it, I tried and it just doesn’t work for me” or “maybe, I just can’t change”.  What I don’t hear a lot but perhaps is going on in the client’s head is: “this is just a bunch of @#$%” or “I was better off doing what I was doing”.
 
I can personally relate to this level of frustration and have spent some time trying to understand the in between place inside the bowels of a major transition.

Breaking change and its following transition down into steps:

1)    Something triggers the need to change
2)    You earnestly decide to make a change
3)    Learn about what it takes to change and what it is exactly that needs to change
4)    End the way you did something or a quality or habit about yourself
5)    Practice the new way of being or doing
6)    Fall off the wagon
7)    Don’t get the results you had hoped for
8)    Lose some relationships either because you don’t relate to certain people anymore or find yourself questioning certain relationships
9)    Feel lonely and/or alone
10)    Recognize that you have changed indeed
11)    New relationships or new-old relationships or new opportunities show up

Steps 5 through 9 happen over and over again and the duration depends on how major the change is.  The in between place is right smack in between steps 5 through 9.  There are no remedies, quick fixes or words of consolation when someone is going through these steps.  It is a lonely and introspective time. 

Time well spent in these steps can determine the sustainability and success of the transition.  This is because, real change takes time.  If you rush the time between steps 5 through 9, you are bound to go back to the way you used to be and repeat the whole process.  That is what happens to people who jump from one relationship to another marrying or dating a slightly different version of the same person all over again, or take a different job to find out they have created the same scenario with their co-workers or boss just in a different organization.

The next time you find yourself frustrated with the in between place or the journey of your transition, remember that it is natural.  Even your frustrations are natural.  It is ok to be angry, lonely, depressed, etc.  It will pass if you let it be and learn and practice what you need to do and how you need to be.  Use the lonely time wisely, get help from a counselor or a spiritual life coach, and when you come out of your cocoon, you will spread your wings like a butterfly transformed and the wormy experience you had before becomes just a distant memory!

If you are going through a transition and need help and support to make sustainable and deeply meaningful changes in your life/work, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation.
Spiritual life coaching is about changing the way you have been living.

Parenting in 2011

I noticed I disagreed with my daughter’s point of view regarding something she was talking about with her BFF in the car while I was driving.  In fact, I found myself curiously wondering how she formed the opinion that she was discussing.  I was quite sure that my husband would have disagreed with her too.  She is eleven and clearly her own person.  This is where parenting becomes a challenge.  Where do we draw the lines?  What are we responsible for?

I am noticing in my peer group of parents of eleven through fifteen, we all seem to be walking on shaky ground.  Some of us are still hanging on to memories of when they were little.  Others are apologizing to themselves or others for their kids’ behaviors/manners/language.  Some are clearly depressed and do not know how to be an effective parent anymore.  We are all going through yet another transition.

There are days when we ask ourselves: who are these young, yet big people in our homes and what happened to the innocent little girl or boy who did as we asked them to, etc.  I am sure that they are confused too, like we were at that awkward stage before adulthood.  What’s different, is that they know so much more than we do about what goes on in their world which has a lot to do with technology.
 
They crave the newest gadget, they are connected and can figure things out faster and less laboriously than we can.  This gives them the upper hand and they know it too.  This upper hand, makes them believe that they do indeed know more than we do.  I believe this makes parenting that much more difficult these days.

Setting boundaries becomes challenging, because they are connected through the internet and social media.  Sending them up to their rooms as a punishment, does not work.  Taking away their hand-held device works until they go to school or anywhere where there is a computer they can use or borrow.  And they are very resourceful.  While we are busy worrying if we have done the right thing, used the right punishment, they are back on Facebook and forgotten that they were being punished to begin with.  All of this makes us less frightening, less knowledgable, and frankly, less effective.

Going back to my daughter’s conversation with her BFF in the car…  I realize that our children live in a much bigger world than we did and are influenced by more than we could have been.  This is a wonderful opportunity for young minds, and a scary reality for parents.    It’s like when your kids go off to college, but they haven’t really and they’re much too young to do so.  They seem to be growing up faster and faster and we are attempting to keep up. 

Since I am always one step behind, I have decided to enjoy the moments when I do connect with them, laugh together, share a meal or a walk.  All of this high speed living only makes me treasure these rare and short lived moments even more. It is indeed a different day…

Questions to Ponder:
1)    Are you torn about your parenting abilities/skills? 
2)    Do you find it difficult to relate to your children and this worries you?
3)    What would a perfect day be like in your home?  When was the last time you had a perfect day with your children?

If you are concerned about parenting these days and would like to come up with a plan that would work in your home and with your family in a non-judgmental space, you might want to consider spiritual life coaching.  Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session to see if spiritual life coaching is the answer to your concerns.