Guilty?

A while ago I had asked my single female coaching clients who had raised their now adult children as single moms what if anything they would have done differently. The answer I received was the same: I would have done more for myself. They were so guilt-ridden and cash strapped that they could not justify spending time or money on themselves. Everything was always for the kids. Now that their children are grown up and everything turned out ok, they wish they had invested more in themselves, enjoyed more of life, had more fun, and not worried as much as they had.

Women in general tend to be easy targets for guilt. They tend to feel guilty if they do not think they have done enough or done right by someone. They feel responsible for however something turns out, but it is usually related to what they didn’t do (e.g., stay in their marriage, spend enough time with their children, be a good a mother, etc.). This sense of responsibility is what feeds the guilt.

I have found that the men I work with, on the other hand tend to have guilt over what they did (e.g., were unfaithful, worked long hours, said something insensitive, made a bad decision, etc.). Men have action oriented guilt. Either way, guilt does the same damage. It is one of the most difficult crosses to bear and one where there does not seem to be an easy solution for.

What works for me when I feel guilty either about what I did or didn’t do, is to shift the way I look at the situation. When I believe that I am responsible for a certain outcome I don’t like that involves someone else, I focus on where my ego is in the moment. For example, when I believe that I am responsible for my children’s happiness, I am looking at the situation in an egocentric way. I am making it be all about me. Recognizing that, helps me let go the position I am stuck in.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself or your coaching clients to help them shift their focus when they are feeling guilt ridden about something:

1)    Is this about me? If not, then why am I making it be?
2)    What am I responsible for now?
3)    What is this really about?
4)    What are my choices now, or what can I do now to create an outcome I desire?

If you are feeling guilty about something you did or didn’t do and are struggling with forward movement in any areas of your life, you may want to work with a spiritual life coach. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to determine if spiritual life coaching can help you get over your guilt.

What Are Your Credentials?

When I was asked to write about spiritual art, I wrote about everything else, but spiritual art. Since I am the queen of self-examination, I’ve been wondering why I haven’t written on the topic. I realized that I have felt inadequate and unqualified to write about a topic like spiritual art. After all, people before me like the famous painter, Wassily Kandinsky have written books on it and who am I to think that I have something to say about it. To make matters worse, I was never formally trained as an artist besides the few art classes that I had taken here and there. When I go to galleries and see the bios of the artists showing their art, I am amazed at their fabulous credentials and years of formal training, etc. In my mind, they are the ones who have permission to write about such things. Hence, I have chosen to procrastinate and avoid writing about it.

Recently, I met an Israeli artist who was incredibly talented and passionate about his art. He told me that he has been painting since he was 3 years old! And in the madness of our conversation, he mentioned his training in London which he seemed to dismiss. He was full of creative energy and knew with every cell in his body that painting is what he had to do. He did what he had to do in his art to get the message out. He used water color, gouache, ink, acrylics, anything that gave the texture and colors he wanted to express in his art. He didn’t consider himself an expert in any particular medium, but the ability to express what he saw and felt in a creative way. And I realized that I was so mesmerized by what I saw in front of me that the credentials of their creator were inconsequential.

This is the same principle in action when people hire people they know for certain jobs. They may not know where this person went to school or their prior work experience, but they know that they can do the job. The resume becomes protocol and part of the paper work required by the administrators. There are plenty of examples of recognizing that you can experience life without following any specific path, acceptance from others or validation. Then why is it that there are so many people, who are afraid to first, do what they love to do, and second, proclaim their passion?

We get stuck in our beliefs about what is important and of course, when we are even somewhat ready to let go, there is the 3-D world out there that supports our original beliefs to the point that we give up. But what we forget as we go about our lives playing our little roles and doing what we have been formally trained to do, is that the 3-D world or “reality” as some refer to it, is made up of our collective consciousness. If we believe that we are not qualified to do something, it feeds into the collective consciousness that believes that too. So, if we stop believing these self-limiting thoughts, we have a chance at changing it out there too. Every change has to start somewhere, why not have it be in your mind? We’ve all heard the saying: change your thoughts and change your life. Well, there is much truth in that and I am first to admit that I had forgotten.

So, I am going to take a few deep breaths and sit down in front of my laptop and start speaking my truth forgetting about my resume…