Abandoned

He was chasing after Emma in the huge green grass. She was fun to chase after and she let him catch her from time to time. When they got tired of that game, they rested together, bodies touching on the deck in the sun. They fell asleep together like that. When he woke up, nothing was as he remembered it. They called his name and invited him into the house. He did not recognize the voices or the smells in the house. The kids were friendly and happy to see him, but something was not familiar. They were not the kids he was used to.

After dinner, the mom took him on a walk. It was nice to be out, free again to smell the fresh air and to be with Emma. But where was his other mom? He felt unsure and nervous. Should he be going with this woman? Was Emma going to be with him or would she be going home somewhere else? Emma did not seem to be worried about anything. So, he decided to forget about home and his mom and his family and enjoy the moment with Emma and his new mom.

He couldn’t sleep in this new room. The sounds and smells were becoming more familiar, but he still missed the old sounds and smells. He’d take cat naps and then he’d wake up again to this unfamiliar place with his new family. As time went by, he got used to the new place and eventually he fell asleep.

The next day, he went for another long walk with Emma and afterwards fell asleep on top of her on the deck. Emma jumped up to the sound of the car on the drive way, he jumped up too. They both went down the stairs and waited eagerly to see who would come out of the car. He didn’t have a deck in his old house, he liked following Emma and doing as she did. To his amazement, he saw his old mom and family rushing to the stairs calling out his name. He was so excited, he couldn’t contain himself. His tail was wagging furiously and he was crying in delight. Yes, this was familiar, he knew everything about these people and the smells, oh the smells were like heaven!

Questions to Ponder:
1) Have you ever felt abandoned or left without any explanation? If so, how did that feel and how did you handle it?
2) How comfortable are you in new situations or with new people? For example, if you went on a trip or took a weekend class and had to share a room with someone you hadn’t met before, how would you feel about that? Nervous? Uncomfortable? Excited?
3) Think of the word, “familiar” and now come up with 3 quick names or nouns that pop into your mind. Now do the same for the word, “new”. Sit with your feelings and consciously pursue one (familiar or new) to experience in the near future and see how that feels. Best wishes!

P.S. In case you were wondering, the story was based on what I imagine my dog went through after spending the weekend with a pet sitter.

The Holy Man

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

He stood there tall and somewhat distinguished. Even in his worn out clothes that had seen better days, he shined. No one could tell what it was exactly about him that made him different and easy on the eyes. Wherever he went, people gathered around him, they wanted to be near him. He had a peaceful and knowing presence. There was nothing arrogant or unwelcoming about him. He was real and when you saw him, you felt real too. His demeanor was that of Mr. Darcy’s (Pride and Prejudice), yet his choices had been more like Sydney Carton’s (A Tale of Two Cities). He walked on air because nothing was holding him down. He had given everything up and had fallen through the cracks of the 3-D reality he lived in. He had nothing and yet it seemed like he had everything.

She straightened herself in her chair as she motioned for him to come to her table. His whole face broke into a huge smile as he walked over to her. She found herself nervous and stumbling on her words. This was crazy, she had conducted hundreds of interviews during the course of her successful career as a journalist. Why would this guy be any different? She straightened herself again and began the way she always had with the people she interviewed, yet she was keenly aware of his presence. He wasn’t intimidating or creepy, he was just so alert and present, she wasn’t sure how to deal with that. It forced her to become present too. She decided to let go of her old ways and just relax into it. She leaned back, put down her pen, and melted into her chair as she breathed in the golden light that seemed to be emanating from him.

Questions to ponder:
1) What are some qualities that you find attractive in people? How do you think they attained them?
2) What is it that you wish you had more of or less of? What would you have to give up to be that way?
3) What do you think someone who had never met you and had to interview you, would say about you after that first meeting?

Bla Bla Bla

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

She stopped only to catch a quick breath, she was looking at him or through him, not noticing anything about him. She was determined to tell the story almost as if someone was holding a gun to her head. He noticed a slight trembling in her hands, but she kept on going. The story weaved into another one. It wasn’t an intense story, but she was intense telling it. She would stop herself and correct any misplaced facts like: “it was Monday, no it was Tuesday afternoon when…” Such corrections were not necessary because he wasn’t interested in the story to begin with, and certainly the details of what day any of it happened, was even more unimportant to him. Not to her though, it was all important, not to be neglected. He was hoping she’d stop and notice the great ambience of the restaurant, taste the fabulous wine and enjoy the delicious food. She ate and she drank, but just like her shallow breaths, nothing lingered, and nothing was taken in to be enjoyed. He knew that she had to get it all out, but he wondered, when he could interject, when he could remind her of the reason why they were there. It was their first anniversary and he wanted to celebrate their relationship and she just couldn’t stop talking about her day. It seemed to always be like that with her, there was some drama somewhere, some injustice, something that bothered her. Her sensitive nature is what had drawn him to her, but now, it seemed to consume and define all their interactions. The dinner was over, check had been paid and he felt like he had been all by himself the whole time.

Questions to ponder:
1) Do you ever find yourself in those one-sided conversations where the other person is not really interested in anything you might want to add? How does that feel? Do you ever find yourself being the other person, talking incessantly at someone? How might you remind yourself to stop and listen and invite the other to participate?
2) Do you feel comfortable interjecting and derailing the conversation when you really want to and need to? Have you been successful or has the person just ignored you and carried on?
3) Imagine you are the person needing to interrupt in this story, how would you do it? Practice and take a jab at it, who knows it might come in handy for the next time you are caught being blabbed at.

Whose Rules Are You Living By?

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

He walked with a skip in his steps, lighter on his feet than he had ever felt. He walked into the local bar and sat on a stool sipping on his beer. The world around him didn’t exist. He had just left the hospital after signing the papers that relieved the hospital from all responsibility regarding the death of his father. He was actually dead. Alex couldn’t believe that the old man was finally gone. Even though, he was bent over and skinny with age and disease, he was still a tough and scary person, the way he remembered him growing up. Alex’s childhood was spent trying to please his father and hoping to not be criticized or beaten up because of something he had done or not done. His childhood had driven him to become a super achiever, a great student, and later on a successful doctor. His father was a bigot and prejudiced against people of other cultures, religions or color. Alex married a young woman from the town nearby, someone his father approved of. He loved her despite his inability to express his love or be affectionate. They ended up having 3 kids. He liked being a father and a husband. He wanted to be different from his father, yet at times he found himself cold and unable to feel any emotions. He was logical and cold towards his family.

Sometime in their marriage he met someone else, someone he fell in love with. She was not from the same town, country, religion, or race. She stirred emotions in him he did not recognize. She was impetuous, different, and made heart based decisions. Even if he had left his wife for her, it would have been difficult unless he disowned his family and his father. Alex chose to stay with his wife and not pursue this other woman. He felt dead inside, all of his decisions were based on not rocking the boat, not acting like his father, not hurting anyone. Alex had accepted his role as the peacemaker at all cost. And what was the cost?

He forgot what it was that he wanted for himself. His decisions were not based on self-fulfillment. He was always in control of his emotions. He never yelled or showed hostility, but he never cried or showed love either. Alex controlled everything. He realized he was gripping the beer glass tightly. He eased up, leaned back and smiled. It was time to live a different life. He was done living by his father’s rules, he was done living by any rules. He was free now, free to find out what it was that he truly wanted. What did his heart desire? It was safe to feel again.

Questions to ponder:
1) What are the rules you are living by? Are they yours?
2) Where do you feel locked up or unsafe?
3) What would it feel like if you broke some of the rules you live by?

Going In Deep

I am learning about different layers and depths of understanding of certain concepts. Just when you think you know what “being present” is all about, you have an experience that shows you another facet, another layer of what it might mean. Today, I’d like to re-examine the concept of being present outside of the context of time. Being present is about the now moment and letting go of the past and the future. This implies the linear concept of time. Some of us can do this especially during meditation for example. However, what if something is bugging us now? This is again demonstrated in the practice of meditation when you suddenly notice discomfort in a limb, an itch, or a bug bite, etc. and get annoyed and distracted. From what I have learned and heard from those on the path of enlightenment, the only way to handle that is to notice it and allow it. In other words, breathe in the annoyance, pain, or itch. Don’t fight it and don’t try to ignore it. This takes being present to a deeper place where it is not about time, but about acceptance of what is or allowing of whatever is happening.

The same holds true of patience. I write a lot about patience, because it is something I struggle with. I have this crazy notion that things have to happen according to my schedule and by my rules. Now, I have given up a lot of this in my outer life. It’s only in my internal dialogues that I find myself still struggling with patience. What has helped me is realizing how much I am not accepting what is when I am being impatient. That helps me shift my attention to the true beauty of this now moment that is happening. Take today for example, it is snowing (again) and schools are closed which means that my kids are home and I won’t be able to get a lot of creative work done. To make matters even worse, they are predicting snow into tomorrow which means that they will be home tomorrow too and that will take us into the weekend and I won’t be able to do the things I like to do and I need to do until Monday (if it does not snow then). The next two days are about shoveling, cleaning up after sloppy, muddy messy trails on the floors (or not), taking the dog out and begging and hoping that he does what he needs to do in the snow, etc. In other words, the next two days are about feeling into that itch or bug bite when you really want to feel the bliss of meditation. The next two days are about taking my outer understanding of patience, acceptance, and being present and putting it in high gear. The next two days are about being enlightened while living an ordinary human life, finding peace in the non-peaceful moments, quiet in the noise, etc. Can I allow my plans to wait? Can I just focus on what is happening now regardless of how disrupting it is to my peace? Can I replace judgment and frustration with true acceptance? Stay tuned to find out how I did or didn’t evolve from my deep experience!

Peacefully Imperfect

In my line of work, I hear a lot about life’s imperfections as told by those who live them and somehow have found their way to my doorstep. In fact, it is because of some of these imperfections that they seek my service. Yesterday I heard about yet another bleak diagnosis that shouldn’t have been and as used to it as I get, it still sits uncomfortably with me. Why do life’s imperfections still surprise us or worse yet, defeat us?

I have to think back to when we bought into this belief that life has to be perfect. As a little girl for me it started in the fairy tales of the princess and the prince who are reunited despite the plots and plans of evil doers and/or destiny in their stories and always live happily ever after. In my own personal story, the desire to live an empowered life and have a better quality of life than the girls I grew up with pushed me to seek the perfect life. It was partly youth, partly conviction, partly the belief in the stories, and partly a sense of responsibility that I owed it to those who couldn’t, that seduced me into believing that the perfect life was out there for me to seek and own.

Back then, I was thirsty for perfection. Today, I know better. I see people in their 30s or well into their 40s who are suffering because of this belief that they must be doing something wrong if they are not married to their soul mate, have 2.3 perfect kids, a perfect house, a perfect career, a perfectly toned body, and perfect friends who live similar lives. The economic downfall is placing all kinds of pressures and the imperfections are oozing from the cracks of their misperceptions and they are either angry or depressed. It is as if a promise has been broken. Some feel it when they are diagnosed with cancer, some when they lose their jobs, or marriages, and some when something “bad” happens to their loved ones. No matter how it shows up, it can be described as a sense of disillusionment with how they believed things would turn out.

As a life coach, I think that my profession may have contributed to this illusion. Some coaches claim to help people live a better life, but I am of the belief that the client is already living the life they have chosen. The main issue is taking responsibility and accepting their own disillusions. No matter how many goals they set, it won’t take away their fears of illness, or failure. The source of the problem is not underachieving humans who don’t know how to organize themselves. The source of the problem lies in the belief that because they have been an over achiever in all areas of their life, they should have it better than this.
Philip Simmons (1) writes in his beautiful essay, In Praise of the Imperfect Life: “It was the ant that returned me to the world, that called me to another way of worship, the way of all things ordinary and small, the way of all that is imperfect, the way of stubbornness and error, the way of all that is transitory and comes to grief.” Somehow in the process of growing up, we forgot that we are humans living mortal lives in fragile bodies. We were inspired to become super human. No one told us the cost of that.

Today, when someone tells me, “I just want peace”, I have to ask them, “what are you willing to let go of?”. I am not sure they quite understand the depth of what they might have to give up or allow. Peace does not come at our command. It is always there invisible to us because we are too busy and/or anesthetized in our pursuit of the perfect life. Once again, as Philip Simmons has said: “The imperfect is our paradise. Let us pray, then, that we do not shun the struggle. May we attend with mindfulness, generosity, and compassion to all that is broken in our lives. May we live fully in each flawed and too human moment, and thereby gain the victory.”

(1) Learning To Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life. Philip Simmons. Bantam Books, 2002.

Decisions In Duality

Peter didn’t like making decisions. He didn’t make big decisions and he didn’t make small decisions either. Not making decisions was making a decision, and he didn’t know that. He waited for someone else, a situation outside of his control to make the decisions for him. He reacted to them and not usually in a positive way. If it was someone else who made the decision, he waited for signs of failure and then blamed the person who had ended up making the decision for them or for him. He blamed his wife for making the vacation plans if it ended up raining on the island they went to. And sometimes if nothing bad happened, he would wait for something bad to happen, so he was miserable the whole time as he waited. Peter was addicted to being unhappy and this fed into his inability or refusal to make active decisions. I don’t want to get into analyzing why and how Peter got to be this way. I do want to use Peter as an example of why and how any one of us can learn to be afraid of making active decisions.

Perhaps one day you made a decision that you considered later on to be a wrong decision. Perhaps, that choice ended up hurting you or the ones close to you. Now you could either learn something from having made that choice or you could blame yourself and punish yourself by refusing to engage in life, i.e., making new choices and moving beyond it. Now place all of this in the consciousness of duality and you have fireworks. Duality feeds into the concepts of right and wrong. Peter in duality is a lost cause because now he keeps on feeding into the wrong decision he once made. To make matters worse, and in keeping up with the nature of duality, he now blames others for the decision and collisions are bound to happen. Peter being incredibly stubborn and fixed in the way he looks at the world, keeps on keeping that fire alive by feeding it fear, judgment, and punishment.

Peter has a difficult time accepting and adapting to new consciousness. Peter has chained and imprisoned himself in the bowels of duality where there is a tit for every tat and he uses logic and brain power to maneuver himself in the maze he can’t get out of. The only way to begin to help Peter find his way out, is by finding a moment where his heart is open and he is not intoxicated with his thoughts. From that place and in the safety of that moment, Peter may be able to take a walk out of his prison and feel the possibility of a world without opposites. If you are somehow imprisoned by your thoughts, fears, expectations, judgments, etc. regarding a decision you’d like to make, step out of that prison for a bit. Take a deep breath and gently step out to a new vista, look at the big picture from the point of view of a spectator, and from that place make the decision. Don’t look back. Allow the possibility that it doesn’t have to make sense to you or to anybody else to be an acceptable reality. Allow room for uncertainty and with practice it might even become something to look forward to. New consciousness does not have an opposite. New consciousness does not punish, judge, push or effort. New consciousness is about inclusion and allowing. How often do we include and allow? To that extent we are open to new consciousness. It is easier to include and allow if we drop our concepts of right vs. wrong. So, don’t worry about making a mistake, open your heart, take a deep breath and go for it! You just might be able to step out of duality.