She was concerned that her anger about what had happened would determine the outcome of her future. She could not let go of the thought that the course of her life had changed because of a decision not made by her, but by someone else. This fact made her crazy. She had done everything right, been smart, worked hard, only to find herself at the mercy of something/someone else. The powerlessness made her bitter and she could not move forward and onward with her life…
This describes the point of transition for many of my spiritual coaching clients. Whether they were just laid off from their jobs or served with divorce papers, it is the anger and bitterness that they have a hard time letting go of. The headlines running in their heads go something like: “How could this have happened to me?” “Why did I trust him?” “How can I trust again?” “What will I do now?”
A person going through a so-called involuntary transition, is focused on the event and all the details that go with it. Why, how, if only, … Thoughts and questions that begin this way, keep us focused on the event. Transitions are rarely about the event, yet when caught blind-sighted all we can do is go over and over the event and all the contained details.
Transitions are about change, a fork in the road, a sharp turn to the other direction, a new path, etc. What caused the change is like the squirrel who ran into the road and you tried to avoid, insignificant. If the squirrel hadn’t run in front of your car, you wouldn’t have changed direction, so something had to happen. That is the point of the squirrel. That’s all.
So, if you are faced with a big decision, an unwelcome change, don’t sit in analysis mode. Don’t wonder why the squirrel had to jump in front of your car. Don’t wonder if you had left later or earlier that you might have missed the squirrel. And for heaven’s sake, don’t get mad at the squirrel. All these thoughts, keep you focused on the squirrel and not the road and the journey ahead.
There is so much ahead and more squirrels yet! When we are pushed to make a change, life is inviting us to go through a different door. This can be exciting, and definitely evolving, while being extremely unsettling.
Uncertainty is the way of the transition and the sooner we embrace it, the easier it will get.
If you are in the midst of a difficult transition and are focused on the squirrel, you might consider spiritual life coaching to learn to focus on the path ahead. If you are interested in a 30 minute complimentary coaching session, contact me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Imitations Are Never As Good
I was listening to my favorite vocal artist singing someone else’s song, only I did not know that it was someone else’s song. At first, I thought that perhaps he was making a change from his own style. Two minutes into the song it was clear that he sounded like someone else and that he was indeed trying to sound like someone else. That’s when I realized what was going on. I couldn’t finish listening to the song, it sounded awful to me. In fact, his amazing baritone voice sounded weak and washed out.
I realized later that it is the same when we try to imitate others. In that moment of imitation we lose ourselves. When we are speaking our truth, being ourselves, even if someone does not like us, they don’t like us and not the person we are trying to be. There is power in authenticity. There is strength in our voices when we speak our own words in our own voice. I am not talking about opinions, beliefs, or even the end product of what we are creating, but the voice in which we speak them.
When you try to sound like someone else, you sound like no one at all. Your voice is washed out and dull. Part of that I think is due to not knowing what it is all about. How can one artist know exactly what the one they are imitating was thinking, seeing, or feeling in the moment of their expression. At best, they can guess at it, and that guessing or assumption is the wash out.
Knowing what someone has experienced requires that you have experienced it too. That does happen, and when it does, your voice can be as authentic as the person before you who went through the same experience. That’s when we connect with a song, story, or a person. In fact, there is nothing quite as amazing as when we connect with each other through similar experiences. We understand the pain or the pleasure someone is describing because we have gone through it. You can be compassionate without having gone through the same experience, but you cannot express the same emotions as someone else, unless you have gone through the same experience.
My most challenging spiritual life coaching sessions are with clients who describe an experience very similar to what I have experienced. It is like looking at a picture and finding out that it was a mirror instead. Those sessions are hard, because I try extra hard to not project my own stuff on to the client.
In order for the client to have an authentic experience they need to stay detangled from the coach’s story. These are special sessions where you can practice good coaching skills by asking questions and never making any assumptions. In fact, when done right, it is as if you have two originals in the room. There may be similarities in the art work, but they are each distinct and brilliant on their own.
If you feel washed out or unoriginal, perhaps you are imitating or hiding under someone else’s image or experience. I invite you to step out of the habit or need to imitate anyone other than yourself. There is power and magic when you step into your own. People will suddenly want to listen to you and won’t know why. If you want to leave a good impression, be yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, then make it your business to learn how.
Spiritual life coaching is about the business of finding your own true voice and expressing it at all times. If you’d like to learn if spiritual life coaching is for you, contact me for a 30 minute complimentary session.
I realized later that it is the same when we try to imitate others. In that moment of imitation we lose ourselves. When we are speaking our truth, being ourselves, even if someone does not like us, they don’t like us and not the person we are trying to be. There is power in authenticity. There is strength in our voices when we speak our own words in our own voice. I am not talking about opinions, beliefs, or even the end product of what we are creating, but the voice in which we speak them.
When you try to sound like someone else, you sound like no one at all. Your voice is washed out and dull. Part of that I think is due to not knowing what it is all about. How can one artist know exactly what the one they are imitating was thinking, seeing, or feeling in the moment of their expression. At best, they can guess at it, and that guessing or assumption is the wash out.
Knowing what someone has experienced requires that you have experienced it too. That does happen, and when it does, your voice can be as authentic as the person before you who went through the same experience. That’s when we connect with a song, story, or a person. In fact, there is nothing quite as amazing as when we connect with each other through similar experiences. We understand the pain or the pleasure someone is describing because we have gone through it. You can be compassionate without having gone through the same experience, but you cannot express the same emotions as someone else, unless you have gone through the same experience.
My most challenging spiritual life coaching sessions are with clients who describe an experience very similar to what I have experienced. It is like looking at a picture and finding out that it was a mirror instead. Those sessions are hard, because I try extra hard to not project my own stuff on to the client.
In order for the client to have an authentic experience they need to stay detangled from the coach’s story. These are special sessions where you can practice good coaching skills by asking questions and never making any assumptions. In fact, when done right, it is as if you have two originals in the room. There may be similarities in the art work, but they are each distinct and brilliant on their own.
If you feel washed out or unoriginal, perhaps you are imitating or hiding under someone else’s image or experience. I invite you to step out of the habit or need to imitate anyone other than yourself. There is power and magic when you step into your own. People will suddenly want to listen to you and won’t know why. If you want to leave a good impression, be yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, then make it your business to learn how.
Spiritual life coaching is about the business of finding your own true voice and expressing it at all times. If you’d like to learn if spiritual life coaching is for you, contact me for a 30 minute complimentary session.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Where Are You Trapped?
She was uncomfortable, restless, trapped like an animal in a cage. She couldn’t get out, she couldn’t help herself. She knew this feeling, but she didn’t know exactly when or why or how. All she knew was that she hated it. She had to get away. She was afraid she would get stuck and never get out. She couldn’t think like that, she couldn’t give up. And then just like that, she woke up from the dream. She was relieved that it was only a dream, even though, the emotions were so real. She recognized them, but did not know from where. They were familiar…
Sometimes events can stir up old reactions or feelings. If they are negative or painful, we have a hard time remembering what they are associated with. If it is extremely difficult, then we don’t even want to remember where they might be coming from. However, in order to be able to have some degree of control (i.e., recognize so that if it happens again you can choose how to act instead of reacting from an old perspective), you need to go investigate what it is all about.
I find myself doing a lot of investigative work with my spiritual coaching clients. We set out to find where something is coming from before we decide what to do with it, if anything at all. Some clients don’t want to find it, because they are afraid of what they might find. Some claim they know what is there, but they don’t know how to let it go. What both types of clients have in common is identification with either the fear as in the case of the first example, or identification with “not knowing how to …”.
In fact, identification is the source of most of our problems. We identify with the position that we can’t do, don’t know how to do, or are afraid of doing X, Y, or Z. We repeat the reasons for the position over and over again in our heads and we believe the story. We convince ourselves of our opinion and then repeat it to whomever dares to try to help us.
Identification is like cement or a cinder block chained to our ankles. It gets us stuck. First we complain about being stuck, and soon it becomes an excuse for not being stuck. In a way, we get comfortable with our position. It’s like falling asleep in a funny position in bed, but being too tired to move. Even though, you know that you will get a cramped neck in the morning, you don’t have the strength to reposition yourself because you are in a deep sleep. Getting stuck in our identifications is like being stuck in a deep sleep. We know what we are doing is unhealthy, but we can’t get out.
One way to break that spell is to ask yourself: “what do I want?” Even in the depths of sleep, when I ask myself, “what do I really want?” and if I stay awake enough for the answer, I know I have to move. Asking ourselves repeatedly: “what do I really want?” brings us to the point of choice. It for a brief moment unglues us from the identification with the problem. It reminds us that we are not set in the same outcome. We have a choice.
So, I ask my spiritual life coaching clients over and over again: “what do you want?” Some answer the question, but then jump into “…but I can’t…” and then we go back to the beginning. This is how you get unstuck, by going back to the beginning. You might have to do it more than once. You might have to do it again when the problems shows up in a different form. It is a great place to start.
Questions to Ponder:
(1) What is one issue or problem that keeps on repeating itself in your life?
(2) Where and how do you get stuck?
(3) What do you really want?
If you would like to further explore these issues with a spiritual life coach, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation to determine if spiritual life coaching is for you.
Sometimes events can stir up old reactions or feelings. If they are negative or painful, we have a hard time remembering what they are associated with. If it is extremely difficult, then we don’t even want to remember where they might be coming from. However, in order to be able to have some degree of control (i.e., recognize so that if it happens again you can choose how to act instead of reacting from an old perspective), you need to go investigate what it is all about.
I find myself doing a lot of investigative work with my spiritual coaching clients. We set out to find where something is coming from before we decide what to do with it, if anything at all. Some clients don’t want to find it, because they are afraid of what they might find. Some claim they know what is there, but they don’t know how to let it go. What both types of clients have in common is identification with either the fear as in the case of the first example, or identification with “not knowing how to …”.
In fact, identification is the source of most of our problems. We identify with the position that we can’t do, don’t know how to do, or are afraid of doing X, Y, or Z. We repeat the reasons for the position over and over again in our heads and we believe the story. We convince ourselves of our opinion and then repeat it to whomever dares to try to help us.
Identification is like cement or a cinder block chained to our ankles. It gets us stuck. First we complain about being stuck, and soon it becomes an excuse for not being stuck. In a way, we get comfortable with our position. It’s like falling asleep in a funny position in bed, but being too tired to move. Even though, you know that you will get a cramped neck in the morning, you don’t have the strength to reposition yourself because you are in a deep sleep. Getting stuck in our identifications is like being stuck in a deep sleep. We know what we are doing is unhealthy, but we can’t get out.
One way to break that spell is to ask yourself: “what do I want?” Even in the depths of sleep, when I ask myself, “what do I really want?” and if I stay awake enough for the answer, I know I have to move. Asking ourselves repeatedly: “what do I really want?” brings us to the point of choice. It for a brief moment unglues us from the identification with the problem. It reminds us that we are not set in the same outcome. We have a choice.
So, I ask my spiritual life coaching clients over and over again: “what do you want?” Some answer the question, but then jump into “…but I can’t…” and then we go back to the beginning. This is how you get unstuck, by going back to the beginning. You might have to do it more than once. You might have to do it again when the problems shows up in a different form. It is a great place to start.
Questions to Ponder:
(1) What is one issue or problem that keeps on repeating itself in your life?
(2) Where and how do you get stuck?
(3) What do you really want?
If you would like to further explore these issues with a spiritual life coach, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation to determine if spiritual life coaching is for you.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Copious Curiosity
It was one of those crazy busy days where I had many back to back appointments. Unlike the way I used to be, I had not thought about who was coming and what they might need to be coached on. In other words, I knew where I had to be, who I had to see, but I had not processed, or analyzed what it all meant. I knew client X was coming at 9 AM and one hour and 15 minutes later, I had to coach client Y, but I was not trying to remember or predict what they might want to be coached on. This was in part due to a conscious effort on my part to be copiously curious as my mentor coach would put it. And I have learned that if I study or review a client’s past coaching session, then I am expecting it to go a certain way and then I’ve lost my curiosity.
The day continued on the same way it had started, with lots of curiosity and hustle. My evening appointment was with my children at the pediatrician’s office for their annual flu shots. I had not processed that my daughter usually hates getting shots and sometimes even gets a little hysterical. It was as if I had forgotten how stressful this appointment could be. Well, to my surprise, she hopped on the examination table and pulled up her sleeve and took the shot without any drama at all! Right after she hopped back down and put on her sweater, I realized what had happened.
She had changed her story. Driving back home, I was reminded of my coaching sessions during the day. In fact, all my clients had managed to surprise me. None of the sessions had gone on in an orderly fashion, they had been slightly unpredictable and a bit messy. Yet, I had enjoyed them because they had pushed me into directions I had not gone before. This is not that uncommon in a coaching session, because no matter how well you think you know your client, you couldn’t possibly know them as well as you think.
At the pediatrician’s office I realized the same thing about my daughter. What I thought I knew about her was just a prediction based on past behavior. In a coaching session, the coach allows the client to change their story. That’s how coaching works, you are in a space where you can change your story. With practice, I am learning to apply the same principles in my own life and in the more intimate relationships which I think I know so much about!
Copious curiosity in coaching works by dissolving the bars of the prisons that our clients have created from their stories. When you are in the presence of someone as if for the first time, listening with your whole being and being present without judgment, expectation, or the need to fit into any theories, past behaviors, or projecting your own story upon them, magic happens! The client is now free to change their story.
This is one of the reasons why I refer to myself as a spiritual life coach. What happens in a session when the coach has been copiously curious, is not logical or rational. It is outside the realms of mental understanding. It is what I call a spiritual experience!
If you are interested in working with a spiritual life coach, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual coaching conversation.
The day continued on the same way it had started, with lots of curiosity and hustle. My evening appointment was with my children at the pediatrician’s office for their annual flu shots. I had not processed that my daughter usually hates getting shots and sometimes even gets a little hysterical. It was as if I had forgotten how stressful this appointment could be. Well, to my surprise, she hopped on the examination table and pulled up her sleeve and took the shot without any drama at all! Right after she hopped back down and put on her sweater, I realized what had happened.
She had changed her story. Driving back home, I was reminded of my coaching sessions during the day. In fact, all my clients had managed to surprise me. None of the sessions had gone on in an orderly fashion, they had been slightly unpredictable and a bit messy. Yet, I had enjoyed them because they had pushed me into directions I had not gone before. This is not that uncommon in a coaching session, because no matter how well you think you know your client, you couldn’t possibly know them as well as you think.
At the pediatrician’s office I realized the same thing about my daughter. What I thought I knew about her was just a prediction based on past behavior. In a coaching session, the coach allows the client to change their story. That’s how coaching works, you are in a space where you can change your story. With practice, I am learning to apply the same principles in my own life and in the more intimate relationships which I think I know so much about!
Copious curiosity in coaching works by dissolving the bars of the prisons that our clients have created from their stories. When you are in the presence of someone as if for the first time, listening with your whole being and being present without judgment, expectation, or the need to fit into any theories, past behaviors, or projecting your own story upon them, magic happens! The client is now free to change their story.
This is one of the reasons why I refer to myself as a spiritual life coach. What happens in a session when the coach has been copiously curious, is not logical or rational. It is outside the realms of mental understanding. It is what I call a spiritual experience!
If you are interested in working with a spiritual life coach, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual coaching conversation.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Wakeup Call
Talking to my colleagues who are psychologists and counselors, we are of the general understanding that it takes a bus to get most of us to start asking the deeper questions in life. Unless you’ve been hit by the proverbial bus (you jumped in front of it not knowing what you were doing, by accident, or someone pushed you) most of us do not care about questions that ponder the deeper meaning of life.
We start our adult lives getting educated, finding a good job, starting a family, and following a predictable trajectory. Even though, we hear of others whose lives did not follow the predictable path, we hope or pray that we are not one of those people. What’s happening in the world today is all about a change in that trajectory. Whether it is the economy, changes on the planet (dramatic weather or natural disasters), or political upheavals, little is predictable these days. Add to that the normal outliers (being fired, getting a divorce, serious health issues, family troubles, money problems, or a general dissatisfaction with the quality of your life) and what you have, is a bit of lingering chaos.
As therapists, psychologists, social workers, and spiritual life coaches we spend a lot of time listening to our clients talking about the “bus”. An entire session could be about how they didn’t see the bus coming, how unfair it was that they got thrown under the bus, how it feels being slowly crushed under the bus, how their bus is bigger than their sister’s bus, or even, how no one told them about the bus, … In other words, we hear a lot about the bus, point of contact, and the tragedy of it all.
Once we get past the “bus”, then we can start the real work and ask the deeper questions. What are the deeper questions you may ask. The deeper questions include: what do I want now? What are my choices? What beliefs need to change for me to accomplish what I want? The answers to these questions take us to the core of our selves, so we can better understand and even redefine who we are, and ultimately let go of the bus incident.
When clients start their personal development work, slowly they realize that there was no accident, or tragedy and in fact what felt and looked like a bus was just an illusion or maybe an opportunity to start peeling the onion of their lives. When sleeping in a deep slumber, we need something to wake us up. The bus in our story was just a wakeup call. When you look at your job and/or relationship, health, or any other kind of loss as a noisy alarm clock going off, staying mad at what happened is like being mad at the alarm clock throughout the day, so much so that, you can’t engage in what is happening because you are still holding a grudge against the alarm clock!
So, if your alarm clock is going off or you just got hit by the bus, the good news is, it is time to wake up! If you need help waking up or support in the way you want to be when you do wake up, please contact me for a spiritual life coaching consultation.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Joy
I just came back home from a lovely trip out to visit a dear friend in Colorado last night. Walking into the house I could smell the distinct dog odor from our resident pug, Charlie. That was my first impression of our home and then I was hit by: “Mom, could you clean my running shoes for tomorrow?” and “Mom, I need a check for school”. I was instantly reminded of how different everything was compared to the last 4 days in Colorado.
I tried to stop myself from the comparisons to what my days were like when I was away, until I realized that it was impossible. Our brains are designed to compare, contrast, and evaluate. We do this consciously and unconsciously. Even our sense of smell involuntarily compares something to another, reminds us of a good or not-so-good memory associated with the smell. We live in a web of associations and comparisons. If we have a negative memory, then we judge a certain sound, smell or sight to be bad and have an emotional reaction to something in the present based on something from the past. We are constantly going in and out of our thoughts and memories.
Sometimes we even get stuck in our thoughts like a mouse in a maze. Even if our thoughts are not negative or positive, we can get stuck, not knowing how to get out. I work with people who have thought themselves into corners they can’t get out of. They often complain about not being joyful or having lost touch with what matters to them.
Joy, I am convinced has nothing to do with thoughts. Joy is not associated with anything, it just is. I am writing about the kind of joy you feel when you are out in nature, hanging out by rocks that have been around some 10 million years or so. Your mind cannot compare and contrast on the mountains. It just absorbs the beauty and gets really quiet.
Joy in fact, cannot emerge from the mind and its incessant categorizing. One of the scenes that I am reminded of is when you are faced with something beautiful or awe inspiring from a distant past that you were not a part of, in the middle of everyday life. Walking on one of the side streets in Rome and unexpectedly seeing a slice of the Coliseum through the opening ahead as the motorcycles whiz by on the cobblestones for example is one of those moments. Time stops, because you are not capable of thinking your way back to a time thousands of years ago. Your mind is not working overtime. The chatter stops briefly as you gather yourself, until you start again remembering the first time you saw the image, or another time you saw something similar, and off you go back to your evaluating business. The chatter picks up and joy evaporates.
Living the mundane moments of everyday life are joyless for the most part because of the constant chatter in our heads. That is why Buddhist thought reminds us to welcome each day and activity as if it is the first time we are doing it. Staying present helps stop the chatter, slow down the evaluations, and bring back a bit of joy. This is how meditation works. It’s all about slowing down our thinking so we can be, just be.
If you find yourself lost in thinking and evaluating and want to be able to plug into joy, you might want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Joy comes from spirit, something we lose touch with when we get lost in our thoughts. If you are interested in pursuing spiritual life coaching, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation.
I tried to stop myself from the comparisons to what my days were like when I was away, until I realized that it was impossible. Our brains are designed to compare, contrast, and evaluate. We do this consciously and unconsciously. Even our sense of smell involuntarily compares something to another, reminds us of a good or not-so-good memory associated with the smell. We live in a web of associations and comparisons. If we have a negative memory, then we judge a certain sound, smell or sight to be bad and have an emotional reaction to something in the present based on something from the past. We are constantly going in and out of our thoughts and memories.
Sometimes we even get stuck in our thoughts like a mouse in a maze. Even if our thoughts are not negative or positive, we can get stuck, not knowing how to get out. I work with people who have thought themselves into corners they can’t get out of. They often complain about not being joyful or having lost touch with what matters to them.
Joy, I am convinced has nothing to do with thoughts. Joy is not associated with anything, it just is. I am writing about the kind of joy you feel when you are out in nature, hanging out by rocks that have been around some 10 million years or so. Your mind cannot compare and contrast on the mountains. It just absorbs the beauty and gets really quiet.
Joy in fact, cannot emerge from the mind and its incessant categorizing. One of the scenes that I am reminded of is when you are faced with something beautiful or awe inspiring from a distant past that you were not a part of, in the middle of everyday life. Walking on one of the side streets in Rome and unexpectedly seeing a slice of the Coliseum through the opening ahead as the motorcycles whiz by on the cobblestones for example is one of those moments. Time stops, because you are not capable of thinking your way back to a time thousands of years ago. Your mind is not working overtime. The chatter stops briefly as you gather yourself, until you start again remembering the first time you saw the image, or another time you saw something similar, and off you go back to your evaluating business. The chatter picks up and joy evaporates.
Living the mundane moments of everyday life are joyless for the most part because of the constant chatter in our heads. That is why Buddhist thought reminds us to welcome each day and activity as if it is the first time we are doing it. Staying present helps stop the chatter, slow down the evaluations, and bring back a bit of joy. This is how meditation works. It’s all about slowing down our thinking so we can be, just be.
If you find yourself lost in thinking and evaluating and want to be able to plug into joy, you might want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Joy comes from spirit, something we lose touch with when we get lost in our thoughts. If you are interested in pursuing spiritual life coaching, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sans Definition
I was walking in the streets of Florence, Italy. It was beautiful, I was extremely content and there was a white haze surrounding me ...
The feelings from that dream were so amazingly pleasant, I can’t describe them at all. In fact, I don’t want to describe them. When I woke up from that dream, I tried to understand it and bring meaning to it and as soon as I started doing that, the feeling went away. I realized that I should have just stayed with the feeling without the need to analyze or understand. I now go back there, without words and am able to re-experience the feelings sans definition.
We don’t do that with negative feelings do we? We don’t want to re-experience them.
When bad things happen, it has to be someone’s fault. For sure, it is the fault of the bad person who did the bad thing. But it is also perhaps the fault of the person who something happened to, because they were negligent, stupid, too much of something (trusting, naïve, in a hurry, etc.). Or the fault of a 3rd person who may have mislead them into going somewhere, doing something,...
When something negative happens, we run into multiple directions trying to find fault and person(s) to accuse. Sometimes, we run in the same circles after the accusation has been made. Over and over again, we repeat in our heads, “I should have known better”, or “how could he have not kept his word”,... This sometimes distracts us from the pain that we feel from having to deal with what has happened and at least, it makes us feel justified.
Finding fault or sentencing someone with an accusation is essentially about verbalizing an incomprehensive emotion. When something bad happens, we can’t comprehend it, so we seek understanding. Justice brings understanding back into our stories. Words further organize our understanding with more clarity and certainty. In the end it becomes a neatly wrapped package, easy to hold that we keep passing on to ourselves or others.
It is also safe. Words and definitions keep us at a safe distance away from the scene of the event. We don’t have to relive the bad thing. We can bathe in our own righteousness.
In my spiritual life coaching sessions, clients often present a situation from the standpoint of the judge and jury. From that stance, change is not possible. It is a dead end. However, when the client is voluntarily and gently walked back to the starting point of the event, they realize that they have a choice. They realize that there are many destinations from that single point of departure. Letting go of judgment becomes easier. Forgiveness becomes possible. Freedom is the client’s to experience. Words are not needed.
If you are interested in finding out about how you can experience more freedom, forgiveness, and satisfaction regardless of what has happened in your life, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual life coaching conversation.
The feelings from that dream were so amazingly pleasant, I can’t describe them at all. In fact, I don’t want to describe them. When I woke up from that dream, I tried to understand it and bring meaning to it and as soon as I started doing that, the feeling went away. I realized that I should have just stayed with the feeling without the need to analyze or understand. I now go back there, without words and am able to re-experience the feelings sans definition.
We don’t do that with negative feelings do we? We don’t want to re-experience them.
When bad things happen, it has to be someone’s fault. For sure, it is the fault of the bad person who did the bad thing. But it is also perhaps the fault of the person who something happened to, because they were negligent, stupid, too much of something (trusting, naïve, in a hurry, etc.). Or the fault of a 3rd person who may have mislead them into going somewhere, doing something,...
When something negative happens, we run into multiple directions trying to find fault and person(s) to accuse. Sometimes, we run in the same circles after the accusation has been made. Over and over again, we repeat in our heads, “I should have known better”, or “how could he have not kept his word”,... This sometimes distracts us from the pain that we feel from having to deal with what has happened and at least, it makes us feel justified.
Finding fault or sentencing someone with an accusation is essentially about verbalizing an incomprehensive emotion. When something bad happens, we can’t comprehend it, so we seek understanding. Justice brings understanding back into our stories. Words further organize our understanding with more clarity and certainty. In the end it becomes a neatly wrapped package, easy to hold that we keep passing on to ourselves or others.
It is also safe. Words and definitions keep us at a safe distance away from the scene of the event. We don’t have to relive the bad thing. We can bathe in our own righteousness.
In my spiritual life coaching sessions, clients often present a situation from the standpoint of the judge and jury. From that stance, change is not possible. It is a dead end. However, when the client is voluntarily and gently walked back to the starting point of the event, they realize that they have a choice. They realize that there are many destinations from that single point of departure. Letting go of judgment becomes easier. Forgiveness becomes possible. Freedom is the client’s to experience. Words are not needed.
If you are interested in finding out about how you can experience more freedom, forgiveness, and satisfaction regardless of what has happened in your life, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual life coaching conversation.
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