Manifesting Self-Love First

It has become more and more apparent that most of our relationship issues have to do with a lack or insufficiency of self-love. It is something that most of us fall victim to. I’ve also noticed that my clients who are suffering from relationship issues are very action-oriented. I am not saying that being action-oriented is a bad thing, but when the balance of action and inaction is tilted more towards action, the concept of love is somehow neglected. We are constantly doing stuff and the more we do, the more we become addicted to the energy of doing. This addiction leads to a loss of balance in life. Unfortunately, the more we do, the less we value not doing or being. Ironically, it is in the moments of not doing that we find true self-love or self-acceptance.

The more we do, the more we value our accomplishments and the harder it becomes to not do. If you find yourself in this place, then you cannot love yourself because you have no reason to. Reason is a consequence of action/conditions or something tangible. At this point you have forgotten the whole concept of unconditional love. This is the time when we rush into relationships or start picking apart those we are involved in. In a sense we are demanding love from our loved ones or anyone who will give it to us. In other words, we are looking for love from the outside. This is when people start having problems in their relationships.

When someone comes to me for relationship coaching and starts with all the problems in their relationship or the other person, I listen and I try to direct the attention back to the person in front of me. What still amazes me and my clients is that when you start being loving towards yourself and accept yourself fully, your relationships start working out. This seems like magic to many. I hear a lot of, “I don’t know why, but he/she has really changed”, “We get along so much better”, “It is as if he/she is a different person”, etc. I smile and remind the client that the person who has changed is them, but that change has had a cascading effect on all of their relationships. So, remember, it is indeed true that when you change, the whole world changes with you. When you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you are more relaxed, complete, and fun to be with. In addition, you are setting up a great example for those around you to do the same.

Ten Reasons to Get a Puppy

This post is all I could write after 5 days of having our puppy. So here goes…

1. Recapturing being a first time parent: if you’ve ever had children and now they’re grown, you may think you’ve forgotten what it was like when they were babies, well having a dog will bring back all of those memories…

2. At this time in our history, when everything is upside down, you’ll bring a lot of unconditional love back into your life.

3. It gets you out of your head, because you’ll do anything to make sure they don’t do their business on your rugs or floors.

4. When they learn to potty outside, you feel like you are king of the world.

5. You’ll get to enjoy your back yard at 2 AM when you’re out for a potty break.

6. It helps you get over your: germ phobia, control freakish tendencies, issues with bad odors, etc.

7. They are a built in excuse for having a messy house.

8. They are a built in excuse for not getting anything done.

9. Fresh air plus exercise: they keep you moving in and out of your house.

10. At the end of the day, you sleep like a baby.

Back To Baseline

As a coach, I get to meet all kinds of people. I listen, I get really quiet in my own head, I listen some more and then I observe and start noticing what’s going on. When people have a lot to say, it can be quite confusing. You think you’re going one way, and then you find yourself somewhere else and pretty soon, you might feel lost. What you’re experiencing in those cases, is the feeling of being lost that the client feels themselves. What’s ironic in these instances is that the person brought this on in attempts to bring clarity to their situation. Our well-woven stories, our history, our analysis of what happened and why it happened, our conclusions, our justifications, these are all done to bring clarity. However, the more we do all of these mental gymnastics, the more cornered we feel, the more myopic we become and the less clarity we have, the more desperate we become.

No wonder, meditation is practiced by so many. It is done to quiet the mind, the mind that we so proudly exercise each and every moment of the day, at meditation time, we put it in time out, or so it feels to some of us. It feels like a punishment, because we have valued our incessant thinking throughout our lives. In fact, it is rather scary to “not think”, if you’ve never done it before. The silence can be deafening, if you are not used to it and if you do not value it. We have been trained to place value on action, on doing anything, and this goes with thinking as well. Not doing anything sounds crazy or unimportant. That’s because, we think we have to stay in this vegetative state forever. We don’t.

When you truly go to the “no-thing” place, where everything stops and there is real silence, you go to baseline. When you come out, you are now acting, not reacting. Meditation allows us to find our baseline, so we can come from neutral to do what we truly want to do. It doesn’t have to be meditation, working out or running has the same effect on many people. These are daily practices we can do to find our own baselines. Major life transitions come as a result or a need for finding our baselines. People who do major life changes, or pick up and move to another part of the country or the world with no plans in place, are all doing this because they’ve lost their baseline. What’s happening financially to the world we live in is also going to get us to our baselines. That is the immense gift of these times we are living in. If you step back and look at the big picture, it is the cycle of life, we expand and then we contract, and on and on it goes. The key is to not get lost in our expansion, to know where to contract back to. That place is where we are continuously seeking. When we get comfortable to knowing where it is, and trust that we will find it, when we want to, we can go about our business of expanding again. So, I wish us all a smooth search and find of our baselines in these wildly tipsy times!

Comfort in Chaos

We’re getting a puppy next week and I am a mess. I go from being extremely excited and happy to terrified all in a span of 36 seconds. This has been going on for a while. Today, I decided to be with this feeling and explore what it is all about. I realized that I am not really afraid of the mess the puppy will make. So what is it? My children are now older and somewhat independent; I enjoy the freedom that that gives me. Am I afraid the puppy will be like having a baby? I will be on call 24/7 and that kind of being needed is very uncomfortable for me. Yes, it is a little bit of that, but that’s not all of it. So what is the remaining anxiety all about? I know that when my kids are wired and all over the place, that drives me nuts. Order has always been important to me. Who am I kidding; order is the condition in which I’ve lived my entire life. It’s the only way I know how. One of the most difficult challenges when I had my kids was being comfortable with the lack of control or order. But even that, was managed by bringing in control and structure and routines. In fact, I was proud of the fact that I had a schedule and was organized and everything was in control.

A few years ago, I stepped out of that controlled, structured life and decided to go wandering off into the woods somewhere. That’s not entirely true, I thought I knew which forest I was going to and what I was going to find in there and how it was going to be. Well, long story short, I didn’t. I got lost in the forest, and nothing I experienced was what I expected it to be. I stayed lost so long, that I forgot what it was like outside the forest. I started taking baby steps; enjoying the trees and creatures I’d meet. I stopped looking forward to the end or even believe that there is an end. I sat under the trees and I imagined that the end would come to me. I even gave up on words like end or beginning, or purpose. I took off my control over my experience. I allowed it to come to me undefined. I gave up all illusions of power and control and lost touch with the 3-D reality I was living in. Or did I?

A puppy, is taking this to another level. A puppy is a test of how much I have given up indeed. I am nervous that maybe the old me is still around and will go nuts once this chaotic, little, bundle of innocence walks into my life. What if I am still as much of a control freak as I ever was? What if I fail this test and get stuck in limbo? Not a viable resident of the 3-D world and not enlightened either, just stuck in purgatory somewhere with a puppy that is not house-trained yet. What thoughts this disabled mind of mine thinks and how desperate it is to gain control.

I need this puppy to once and for all be free of my fear of chaos. I look around me and see a whole world of people uncomfortable and fearful in the times we are living in. Of course, there is more at stake here than a messy house with an uncontrolled puppy, but how could this be a metaphor for our lives during these unsettling times? What if we focused on getting comfortable and peaceful without the guarantees and structures we have been used to? What if we took every moment in stride and stayed present despite our worries? This is the challenge we are all facing and as insurmountable as it sounds, it is all we can do. So, let’s all look inside, rather than outside, for the reassurances we need. I know I am starting to look forward to every crazy, unpredictable, joyous, messy, uncontrollable moment of it…

Rules For Living After Divorce

My client, I’ll call her Jen, asked me to write about this topic on my blog. In fact, I am using her exact words for the title of this post. She is discovering a new way of life after her recent divorce and wanted me to share that with others out there.

Jen like most people in a bad marriage, knew for a while that it was time to end it. However, because of the kids she was hesitant to make a move, until she couldn’t live like that anymore. They ended up getting a divorce and everyone survived. Amazingly, everyone is ok. In fact, according to Jen, things couldn’t have been better. He is nicer to the kids and the kids have adjusted well and look forward to one-on-one time with either one of them. Now, he has to spend time with them and he is more involved in their lives. Even Jen’s relationship with him has improved, they are more respectful of each other and communicate better. So, why is this atypical, or is it?

Jen and I both have met incredibly bitter divorced individuals who spare no venom when they talk about their ex’s. Jen was nervous going through her divorce, because of all the stories she had heard. In fact, sometimes, she is anticipating it to change for her and her ex too. She is concerned that this might be a “honeymoon” phase in their divorce. Many of her friends who have been divorced, tell her that this will not last and that she’ll never meet anyone else, etc.

Now, I could go on and on analyzing her case with details, but I won’t. The big picture of every consensual divorce has to do with two people who agree that it is best for them to not be married to each other anymore, regardless of the circumstances that lead them there. I am discussing a divorce that is truly consensual to the core. Of course, no one goes into marriage thinking they are going to get a divorce, but in some cases, no matter how hard we try, things just don’t seem to work, and for our own sanity we have to end the struggle. But both people in the marriage have to agree that this is the best outcome given their circumstances. If one is hanging on to an illusion of the past, is regretful, angry, or full of blame for their spouse, then the successful divorce cannot be.

So, consensus is at the heart of a successful divorce. The next piece I believe has to do with something much bigger, and that is changing the belief about divorce, or as Jen puts it, the rules of life after divorce. Divorce is just an example here, any transition that is perceived by mass consciousness as negative, can me made so, even if it is not in reality. Another example might be, getting fired from your job. Terrible? Or is it? How many stories have we heard of people who turned their lives around and succeeded at a much better job after they lost their current job? But at the moment that it happened, I am sure that the person going through it and everyone around them, thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. Life can be hell, if we judge it to be so. And we all do, in fact, as Jen has found out, even if we try not to, mass consciousness will pull us into believing that it is so. If we are new in this business of consciously creating our own reality, we might fall for the well-established belief systems and structures that we live in.

What are the rules of life after divorce? Well, they could be anything you want them to be, if you are courageous and trusting of who you are and your creator abilities. You can have a better life, a better relationship with your ex and your children, a better sense of who you are and what you want, an opportunity to create a fantastic relationship with someone who matches you at this point in time, etc. Or it could be really horrible, both the process and the aftermath, and even the future for ever and ever, just as promised by mass consciousness.

Transitions, especially difficult ones can be the point of separation from who you used to be, to who you want to be. It is a matter of choice, courage, and trust. Once again, these are simple concepts, yet difficult to practice. The difficulty has to do with the lack of support of those around you who are still buying in, into mass consciousness. With the appropriate facilitation and support, anyone can live a grand, life of their dreams. With that, I’d like to thank Jen for sharing an overview of her divorce experience, and wish her a very successful life!

Manifesting New Thinking

I keep on hearing that what we need in Washington is “new thinking”. Yet we keep on going to people with lots of experience or “old thinking” to come up with “new thinking”. This would make sense if the people with lots of experience are willing to put aside their old experience and be creative and think in a new way. Somehow this sounds like a difficult task. If you have years of experience doing something a certain way and got the results you wanted and it worked for you, why would you start doing things differently? One reason might be, that the old ways just don’t work anymore. It’s not about right or wrong, it just means that what used to work does not anymore. This is a very difficult concept for most people to grasp. This is at the heart of all transitions.

What makes this one enormously challenging is that it is happening collectively and it is hitting us at our beliefs about survival. If I don’t have a job, I can’t pay my bills, I’ll lose my house, I’ll end up on the streets, and so on and so forth. Many of us don’t trust our employers, our banks, our government, etc. This gives us much reason for going into panic and chaos. Now multiply that by all the people who feel this to some extent or another and spread it all around the globe. Oh, and don’t forget all the previous insecurities in our lives that haven’t vanished, they are sleeping in the underbelly of the beast. I agree, it is a mess and very difficult not to get sucked into.

Going back to this whole concept of "new thinking", as challenging as it may sound, it is our only option. In other words, the bad news is that the world is falling apart. But the good news is, that we now have the opportunity to create something brand new! Yes, it means taking risks, and stepping way out of our comfort zones and even doing or being ways that we may have judged as crazy and illogical in the past. We need to let the past go with as much dignity as we can muster up and let our creative genius take over to come up with new, boldly outrageous, and even crazy solutions. This is not for the faint at heart, or those who crave the comfort and security of building structures and making rules. This is for the wildly adventurous who want to live life like it has never been lived before. This is not for those who want guarantees and safety nets, it is for those who are so filled with life that they do not need anything else to help them fly or promise them safety if they fall.

Manifesting Force or Flow?

I just ended an amazing coaching session where I discovered together with my client about how powerful or empowered we feel when we are in the flow of life. You’d think it would be the other way around, if we forced it and made things happen, then, we’d feel powerful. That I think is the old way of being powerful. The most fragile things in life are the most powerful. A perfect rose, a small puppy, the fragrance or aroma of something we love (e.g. chocolate, freshly brewed coffee or bread baking in the oven), etc. And they are the most powerful, when they catch us off guard. Just when you think your life is too busy and complicated to take care of a dog, you see that cute little puppy who just tugs at your heart and melts away all of those “buts”.

In fact, I think that when we plan for something and work really hard for it, it loses its power. If we actually enjoyed the journey towards achieving it, then we’d come out empowered. But if we struggled and all we remember is the pain and suffering and deprivation we endured to get that morsel of whatever it was we wanted, then we are indeed powerless and perhaps even defeated at the end. It is time to change that old belief: no pain, no gain, unless we want to gain scars and victory trophies. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle and I know that for some people this is considered blasphemy. Especially now, in these uncertain times, it is even considered insensitive to be joyful and happy. This indeed is the time that people need it the most, yet we deprive them of the gift of our own happiness. We claim it is because we want to be respectful. I am not saying to rub your happiness in people’s faces, but joy is contagious. It is ok to be truly happy and shine your happiness on to others. Those who don’t like you, won’t like you anyway, and those who do will be grateful that you helped lift them up.

If your life is working, don’t question it, don’t explain or analyze it. Just accept it and go with it. If some silly belief, like I have to be miserable to be respectful gets in the way of your flow, then just go around it. Go with the flow, so you can feel empowered. You being there for your friends and family from an empowered place will help lift them up and it will be contagious. So often we get in our own way, or we let the expert on TV tell us what to feel or do, how long will it take, and what to expect. How crazy! We constantly minimize ourselves and our experiences. We allow ourselves to be boxed into case studies and analyzed to death. We dis-empower ourselves and construct lives that make no sense. Then we hit a crisis, and all of that construction comes tumbling down and we wonder what went wrong. What went wrong is that we forgot about the flow of life, we let something get in our way and we started paddling up stream. Somehow we got it in our head, that that was the way to do it. We had to work hard and struggle to achieve our goals. And as long as this belief in any shape or form is alive in our consciousness, it will hold us in the path of force and won’t allow us to go with the flow.

I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day! Love yourself first and then go with the flow, you and everyone else in your life will love you even more…